By Ashley Hefner, Photographer and Staff Writer
If you had told me in high school that I would attend an all-girls university, and more importantly that I would end up loving it, I would have laughed in your face.
I went to coed schools my whole life, and if I am being completely honest, my focus was not on learning or grades — it was my social life. I enjoyed being around boys in particular. I liked talking to them, spending time with them during breaks and even during class, flirting and having something to look forward to beyond whatever was on the teacher’s agenda. I hate to admit it, but people probably would have called me a “pick-me girl.”
I decided to come to Stern College for Women partly because New York felt exciting and almost glamorous — the idea of living in the city and having easy access to Broadway shows, great restaurants and a plethora of bars appealed to me. Stern also felt like the natural next step after my time in seminary. I definitely did not choose Stern because it was an all-girls school — that was purely coincidental. However, after spending a couple of months here, the allure of New York City — although the original reason I decided to come to Stern — moved to the background of my experience rather than being its defining feature.
When I came to Stern, I started to take academics more seriously. I began to actually do the assigned readings and pay attention in class instead of just passively sitting and half-listening. School stopped being a social performance and became a place where I actively worked on myself every day. In high school, I didn’t realize the extent to which boys occupied my attention because that’s all I had ever known. It was only after being removed from a coed environment and seeing my priorities shift that I noticed the change within myself. In a place without the constant awareness of how I might be perceived by boys, the hesitation and fright around talking faded, and over time, I started to think about myself in a way I never had before — I felt smart.
Instead of thinking about running into a crush at school, I started doing my work, but not in a forced, miserable way. I actually wanted to do it, and it was easier without distractions. My time became dedicated to cultivating knowledge rather than approval from boys in my grade. I read more, I thought more and I found myself having conversations that felt deeper and more meaningful than anything I had ever experienced.
Before coming here, I never saw myself as someone capable of pursuing something serious or ambitious. It was not that I lacked interests or goals. It was that I lacked the self-confidence required to pursue them. Stern became the milieu in which I could evolve into a stronger, more self-assured version of myself. I do not think that is just by chance. Without worrying about men’s perception of me, I stopped performing and started focusing on who I actually wanted to become. I stopped seeking validation and began building true confidence and a sense of direction.
It was this transformation that made me realize I wanted to pursue law. Law had always been something I found interesting, but I never thought I was smart enough to make a career out of it. Growing up, I internalized the belief that I was mediocre, and because of that I avoided doing things that felt difficult. If I never gave something one hundred percent effort, failure felt easier to justify to myself and to my peers.
But Stern changed that.
Without the constant pressure of hoping to be viewed favorably by the boys at my school, I became less afraid of making mistakes. I started taking risks academically, and over time, I proved to myself that I was more capable than I had originally assumed. What once felt out of reach now felt realistic, and that realization helped me push myself to study for the LSAT and prepare to apply for law school.
The greatest value of an all-girls environment, at least in my experience, was safety. Upon reflection, in a coed environment I found myself engaged in an act of performance in order to perfectly craft my public image. In an all-female environment, this pressure doesn’t exist for me. As a result, I have spent the last three years focusing on who I wanted to become as opposed to the person I wanted other people to see.
As my time here comes to a close, I’ve discovered that Stern is so much more than a place that gave me access to the rush of life in New York City. It is a unique institution that has enabled me to stop playing a disingenuous role and instead focus on becoming the truest version of myself.
Photo Credit: Courtesy of Ashley Hefner