Women of Stern, I have to be quite frank: the way you dress is an embarrassment. No, seriously. I’m not kidding. Go, haul your sorry self over to the nearest mirror, and look at your reflection. See what I mean? Your hair is all mussed up—it hasn’t been brushed in days. You’re wearing sweat pants from your little sister’s Bat Mitzvah, with a black hard-tail skirt on top. Don’t lie—those are your pajamas. And, what’s that you’re wearing on top? Oh, right—it’s a wife-beater. Now, look down—what are those insufficient foam things on your feet? They’re flip-flops. For the pool. Not for class. Now, ask yourself—when’s the last time you showered. If you have to think about it, it’s been too long.
Ladies, this is no recipe for success. Everyone knows: to succeed in college, you have got to look fierce. If it takes a biting article to teach you this lesson, then I’m going to write it. It’s for the good of the people. That’s right, women of Stern—this article may seem rather derogatory. Critical, even. Maybe some will say, hey—that’s not nice. But I can’t stress this enough—I’m writing for the people.
Ok, let me give you an example. You walk into a job interview. You’re wearing what you usually wear to class—pajamas and flip-flops. Let’s not even ask what the interviewer is going to think—let’s just focus in on you. Can you take yourself seriously? No. You can’t. You need help. And caffeine. But mostly, you need to be arrested. Because you are a walking fashion crime, assaulting people’s eyes, and a danger to all of society. Like a virus, infecting the organism. You need to be quickly contained, or you will spread.
Now, I know some of you have good reasons for looking like unkempt streetwalkers. You’re busy studying for Orgo, or writing papers—I get it. Your college students, you’re busy. You rationalize to yourself—I have a limited amount of time in the day, and I have to make priorities. Hygiene and fashion are first to go. But, I ask you—is that fair to the rest of us? No. It is not.
So, because I care about you, and your success, and my success, I’m going to help you. I’m going to give you some easy, helpful fashion tips.
First off, why don’t you exchange that cheap flimsy I-just-fished-you-off-the-sales-rack-at-Forever 21 top for a button-down. Yes, a nice, crisp button down. You can even button the buttons the night before to save time.
Now, to add a sophisticated, put-together twist, tuck it in. That’s right ladies—I may sound like your high school principal, but this tip will help you go from clueless pathetical to effortless sheik in seconds (and ya, I spelled chic like that for a reason, ok? It’s not just because my editors missed it. Gosh. So stop being so darn judgmental).
Now, if you are concerned this will make you look fat, you’re right. But that’s not because your shirt’s tucked in. It’s because you are fat. So, hit the gym.
It doesn’t take that much time or energy to look awesome and flawless—promise. Just carefully select your outfit the night before, and iron it to perfection. Select some attractive accessories, matching color and boldness. Make a chart to ensure you never repeat outfits, and use a diagram to ensure your outfit hits the optimum balance of cute, but not too flashy, but flashy enough to have people notice you, but not so flashy that people are jealous of you. Just a little bit jealous is just right. Make-up never hurt anyone. Just a little mascara, blush, concealer, lip-balm, eye-liner, eye-lash curler, eye-shadow, bronzer, foundation and voila—you’re on your way to success.
So to conclude: you might think that this article is bashing what you wear every day. If which case, you’ve understood accurately. But, and I can’t stress this enough, I’m not just insulting you for no reason. I’m insulting you for a reason. That reason: success is important. And you seriously can’t succeed looking like the shameless wreck that you do. It’s time to start looking like you care, so the inner you can finally shine through and start dazzling the world.