There can be no denying the recent upsurge in frozen yogurt enthusiasm among Stern College students, consistent with the indigenous population at large. Indeed, in a recent public survey commissioned by Sixteen Handles—undoubtedly an unbiased sampling—nearly 79% of snackers expressed a “strong preference” for frozen yogurt over all other icy treats. Approximately 44% of those polled said they would sooner forego ice cream for a month than give up frozen yogurt over the same time period. For that matter, more than 23% stated they would rather give up TV and Internet for one week. (This reporter is unable, as a matter of editorial policy, to report on the percentage of persons willing to forego other bodily pleasures in the pursuit of frozen yogurt.)
The question demanding to be answered: to what lengths will a yogurt-lover go to satisfy her yearnings? To what degree does yogurt-fanaticism impact the lives of its victims? At what point must one overcome the urge to embrace even the most luring giant pink cup of lusciously rich, velvety smooth yogurt paradise? Extensive research and personal observation leads to the conclusion that blaming desperate yogurt aficionados is misplaced. Whether they have been clinically diagnosed or not, most suffer from fast-spreading chronic yogurtitis (“CY”), a condition characterized by an inexplicable, yet readily documentable, dependence upon frozen yogurt goodness. If you or a loved one regularly experiences one or more of the following symptoms, you likely are at risk of chronic yogurtitis:
a) Intense and/or persistent cravings for frozen yogurt.
b) Frequent and unresolved deliberation regarding the selection of a precise yogurt flavor selection prior to and/or upon arriving at a designated yogurt shop.
c) Anxiety-related stress stemming from an inability to secure frozen yogurt when the need arises, and/ or compulsive yogurt-purchasing in an effort to foreclose future anxiety.
Until findings and treatment regimens are published, I have compiled, as a public service, a provisional rationale for the staggering upsurge of CY, predominantly among young adults generally and Stern College co-eds in particular. The information is based upon interviews with real-life professionals at Sixteen Handles (which is to say, the adolescents behind the counter who take your money and stick spoons in your cups).
Close observation of adolescent and college-aged youths indicates that many yogurt lovers rely subconsciously on the frozen dessert to fill an unsettling (and often unknown) emotional void. Stated more scientifically, a primary source of that underlying emptiness is an emotional abyss inspired by a certain ‘shidduch crisis,’ collaborating to extract and destroy every granule of happiness from the lives of young people. Other less common but also prevalent causes include disappointing results and/or anxiety resulting from organic chemistry exams among the multitude of young adults vying to secure much-coveted scholarships to AECOM.
Whatever its root causes, Stern students, buckling under such strenuous pressures, lack the mental discipline to resist the alluring aroma and sweet succulence of pecan praline smothered in salted caramel crème. The latent sugar content overwhelms the innocent stress-filled targets, promising to fill the gaping holes in their mental psyche with cups filled with syrupy satisfaction. Weak and defenseless, the victim quickly falls prey to the sweet allure and the yogurt-frenzy is quickly underway.
As yogurt grows in focus and importance, second-stage chronic yogurtitis often kicks in, inspiring a compulsive need to control every aspect of yogurt purchasing. No longer can the victim even tolerate the dated image of bi-flavored yogurt swirled neatly at the center of a crisp cone, delivered by the proprietor over a glass counter. Quite the opposite, the CY-afflicted consumer desperately needs to grasp the smooth handle on her own; she must track the buttery-smooth ingredients falling neatly into her cup; and she invariably emits a gratifying grin as she traverses the endless line of flavors. Indeed, no similar phenomenon is evident in any other area of consumer activity. (I mean, have you ever driven with an impassioned driver determined to pass every full-service gas station in a desperate plea to find only self-serve Mobile unleaded? Have you ever heard, in words or in substance, a driver obsessing over the need to finger the slick black self-serve handle, plunge the nozzle into the open gas compartment, and inhale its head-ache inducing vapor?) Yet, in the case of CY sufferers, that is precisely the analog.
Scientists are focused on this spreading issue and treatment options are not far away. In the interim, however, we must reach out in sympathy and understanding to our oblivious, yogurt-obsessed peers. It is our duty to wrench them from their infatuated stupor and make them aware they are actually NOT in control of their lives. As they need to appreciate, so long as they proceed on this downward spiral, unwilling to acknowledge yogurt’s powerful sway, the ramifications to their mental health could be staggering.