By Rebecca Kalmar, Social Media Manager and Staff Writer
I paced through my house feeling sick, until I couldn’t wait any longer. It was a Sunday morning, and I made the six-minute walk to my high school and joined the group of girls waiting inside. Auditions were being held for the school’s annual production, and I was a frightened freshman hoping to make a good impression.
When my turn finally came, I pushed through the gym’s double doors and came face to face with a panel of adults and upperclassmen waiting to judge my audition. With a pit in my stomach and my hands shaking, I began to read from the papers with my lines. Unfortunately for me, my hands shook so badly I dropped the papers. I quickly picked them up and tried to continue with the audition; everything would have been fine, except I proceeded to drop the papers several more times. Mortified, I left the audition certain that I didn’t have a chance. Luckily, I aimed low, and I later received a phone call that I had received my desired role of Max the servant.
Despite my love-hate relationship with it, I am no stranger to public speaking. My bat mitzvah, graduation and status as a school poster child ensured I had experience. Throughout high school, I pushed past my anxiety and acted in every production, in addition to stints as student director, student producer and head of public relations. By the time we got to the performances, I had rehearsed so many times that the play just felt like another practice, reducing my stress considerably. Then came seminary.
It was a beautiful Shabbos day in Tzfat, as my seminary hiked up a winding path to the sound cave. The unique acoustics of the cave produce an incredible sound, especially when over 100 women are harmonizing together. As I stood there with my peers, I was reminded of a song that I loved with three distinct parts that blend together beautifully. While I waited for a chance to suggest the song, I noticed my hands beginning to shake. I got everyone’s attention, divided the room into three groups, but as they began to sing, I barely noticed. Not only were my hands shaking uncontrollably, my legs were too.
I crossed the cave in front of the whole circle and sat down in a corner, feeling ill. My body’s reaction was difficult for me to comprehend. I had been speaking in public my whole life, but instead of becoming less anxious, I seemed to be regressing.
My first year at YU, I didn’t audition for the Stern College Dramatics Society (SCDS) production. My fear of auditioning, coupled with the excuse that I couldn’t participate while also being a member of the softball team, was sufficient to keep me from taking a risk. This was despite the fact that I had come to YU intending to both play sports and act.
Then I saw that year’s production of The Mousetrap. I was beyond impressed. The casting was perfect and the acting flawless, and I was reminded of my love for theater. As I watched the show, I was filled with a painful sense of longing. I knew it was time for me to confront my fears and do what I could to return to the stage.
Ten minutes before my first SCDS audition, I paced the hallway, neurotically going over lines in a packet I was seeing for the first time. Hearing my name called, I walked into the room trying to calm my nerves. The director unknowingly introduced me to my roommate of two years who would be reading the other parts in the packet and I started to smile. The part I had chosen to audition with was for a woman who goes on an angry rant. I glanced down at the packet and something inside me snapped. Letting loose, I started to yell. A few days later I received an email. I was going to act again.
Despite my anxiety, there is so much about acting that makes it worthwhile. Acting is a form of escape, a chance to immerse myself in a new world. When I come to rehearsal, I have to leave all the emotions of the day at the door. I stand in a circle with my friends, take a deep breath and scream and shout until I let everything go. Until there is space to become someone else.
As an actor, I get the opportunity to view things from a totally different perspective. I can be a servant or royalty, a nurse who’s a bundle of nerves or a self-assured journalist. I step into a role, and my fear slips away, because I’m not myself anymore. I am a character in a story, and I am an actor striving for an emotional connection with the audience.
A huge part of the experience is the people I get to act with. In high school, I knew I could rely on my friends when things got rough, when practices went too long, when I had to repeat my scene one too many times. Whatever we dealt with, we did it together.
In college, SCDS was my family. For a few hectic months, an incredible group of women united in their love for theater, devoting hours of their time to making a show the best it could be. There is a unique bond created between a group of people who experience the surreal, transformative reality of acting. Surrounded by support, I was challenged every day to improve and rise to the higher standards exemplified by those around me.
Being a part of SCDS has created lasting memories. When you join hands with your friends and take a bow, knowing how hard you worked to get to that point, it’s a magical experience. Blasting the “Hamilton” soundtrack before a show and yelling out “showtime, showtime,” knowing that in that one moment the song is talking about you, is an electric feeling. I am so incredibly thankful to SCDS for all they have done for me and countless other talented and creative women at YU.
This isn’t all to say that I don’t get anxious anymore. If you’ve seen me speak in public recently and paid close attention, you might have noticed me struggling to breathe normally. If you watched carefully during the beginning of recent SCDS productions, you may have seen my hands shaking. But ultimately, I just loved acting too much to let my anxiety limit me.
Whatever it is that you’re passionate about, whatever hobbies bring you meaning or make you smile, do your best to give them the time and attention they deserve. Find the things in your life that make the struggle worth it, and hold on as tight as you can.
Photo Caption: The cast of SCDS’s “The Man Who Came to Dinner”
Photo Credit: The Stern College Dramatics Society