By Aliza Flug, Layout Editor, Social Media Manager, and Staff Writer
Growing up in a tight-knit Jewish community often means being constantly immersed in some sort of social gathering. Whether that be attending a shared Shabbat meal, community event, or simply going to shul, it seems that all anyone ever wants to do is socialize. Eventually, after living my entire life in this world, all the socialization and anxiety that I experienced at these events started to become extremely overwhelming for me.
Although I was always pretty quiet and shy as a child, I didn’t always struggle with social interactions. Indeed, I often had a harder time making friends and definitely preferred to spend time on my own, but I wasn’t afraid of going to school everyday and I didn’t dread every social interaction I encountered.
As I got older, however, communicating and socializing with others started to become more difficult for me. I was afraid to speak up in class and I hated going to my friends’ bat mitzvahs. Looking back, I now realize that I was starting to develop social anxiety, which was most likely why these interactions that hadn’t previously bothered me became an immense struggle in my everyday life. Not only were events like bat mitzvahs socially and emotionally draining, but I was also constantly nervous of embarrassing myself and being judged by others.
Fears like these are classic googleable symptoms of social anxiety. Once I started ninth grade, my symptoms became even more prominent. Making friends in a new school is difficult for many, but for me it was even more challenging. Although I had come into high school with some of my peers (some I had even known since kindergarten), I still had trouble communicating with them.
When I interacted with my friends, it felt as if I was talking to strangers. I never knew what to say. I constantly doubted and filtered my every word just to be sure that anything I said would be accepted by others. Whenever I approached people in school, I could hear my voice shaking as I struggled to get words out of my mouth. I have always been told that I talk slowly, even when talking to my family, but the overwhelming amount of people at school became overbearing, making it extra difficult for me to express myself, even to my friends.
Then, COVID-19 hit and everything changed. Even though I was anxious about the state of the world, not having to socialize with others put my social anxiety at ease. I felt comfortable remaining in the safe constraints of my home. Therefore, as you might imagine, going back to school after the pandemic was extremely hard for me. I dreaded it immensely, especially after months of spending time on my own without the burden of socializing. I was nervous to face the world again.
After battling with these emotions for so long, I decided to do some research. As I began to learn about all the hardships I had been struggling with, I started to come to terms with my social anxiety. I discovered that not only was I socially anxious, I was also extremely introverted. I watched a Ted Talk given by Susan Cain, writer of New York Times bestseller, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I decided to read her book, Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverts. Learning more about introverts and the specifics of all that I had been experiencing helped me come to accept myself as I am. Being introverted isn’t just about being shy or quiet; rather, one of the greatest hardships that introverts like me face is being extremely drained after socializing. Introversion is very common, and according to Cain, one-third to half of the U.S. population is introverted.
If there is such a high percentage of introverts in the general population, how do these numbers relate to Jewish populations? After living as an introvert in the Jewish community my entire life, I came to realize that while some introverts might be able to truly live happily within this society, some might also live in constant stress because of the never-ending pressures placed on them by our communities.
I am not, in any way, trying to imply that the Jewish community is unsupportive of individuals with social anxiety or introverts. However, Jewish culture is built for people who are more extroverted. Events like bar and bat mitzvahs, weddings, vorts, and even going to shul on Shabbat are incredibly draining for people like me who have a low social battery. They are extremely nerve-wracking for those with anxiety, not only because of the pressure to attend, but also to dress nicely, act a certain way, and socialize the entire time.
In order to combat this issue, I’m not suggesting we have less smachot (joyous occasions) or stop attending them. Yet, maybe something does need to change within our communities as to how we go about lifting these pressures and supporting individuals who suffer from anxiety. Unfortunately, I don’t have all the solutions for how to go about alleviating this burden on a communal level. It might help, however, to start by understanding and recognizing on a wider scale that there are so many people in our communities that are struggling with anxiety, especially when it comes to fitting in and following the norms set forth by our communities for social settings. If someone talks less or doesn’t show up at a social gathering, do not take it offensively. For introverts, and especially for people with anxiety, going out to a social event can be extremely difficult. One should not feel the obligation to attend every event within the Jewish community, especially for those they don’t even know that well.
Perhaps if the Jewish community as a whole began to understand how crucial this education is, we could better ensure that everyone feels comfortable and welcome within our society. All the mental health awareness that has been incorporated into the Jewish community over the past few years has been a step in the right direction and helped create immense progress, but it needs to continue. As accepting as our community is, we still need even more acceptance. Introverts shouldn’t feel like they are outcasts in their own homes. They should feel just as welcome as anyone else and we should do everything in our power to make sure we help them feel that way.
To be honest, I had a lot of hesitancy while writing this article. I was afraid of publishing this piece and publicly admitting my struggles in such an open way. However, I then remembered why I chose to write about this topic in the first place; if I can get others to receive my message, then it is worth whatever discomfort I might face. It is important for everyone to understand what it means to be socially anxious or introverted and to accept everyone in our communities as they are, no matter their differences.