By Kiki Arochas, Staff Writer
Trigger Warning: Deals with themes of substance abuse.
“Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself.”
So writes David Sheff in his book Beautiful Boy: A Father’s Journey Through His Son’s Addiction. He refers to the constant dissonance that accompanies caring for an addict. The hope that one has for recovery, squashed by the despair of a relapse. The love that they feel for the person, coinciding with the anger they inevitably experience. The mixed emotions of rage and pity, frustration and patience, understanding and confusion, acceptance and denial. The Fray’s hit “How to Save a Life,” a song you inevitably heard in a car ride some summer in your childhood, tackles the beginning of the journey of caring for an addict: having the conversation. Starting a dialogue. Something isn’t right here. We are worried about you.
Step one, you say we need to talk
He walks, you say sit down, it’s just a talk
The journey of a thousand emotions begins with a single phrase. The confrontation has begun.
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
“Staring politely” symbolizes the inherent awkwardness of the exchange. Now that you have his attention, what do you say? Starting is always the hardest part.
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left, and you stay right
There is a divergence in the conversation. The dialogue is going nowhere; you and your friend cannot seem to find common ground.
“Right” also serves as a double entendre here. In addition to serving as the opposite of “left,” it can also be taken in a different sense of the same word – you stay right, you stay to what is true, what is right. He goes left, to what is false, back into his denial of the severity of the situation.
I also loved this interpretation from Genius.com: “As a person who has been in the ‘we need to talk’ position this line also means that the person is trying to change the subject, because they don’t want to talk about it. It is your job as the person trying to talk them down to stay adamant and keep talking about this subject. Hence ‘and you stay right’ line. -lilmusicgeek.” This interpretation adds a layer that the addict, deep down, understands the truth of your words – that is why rather than deny your words like the first interpretation, he attempts to distract you instead.
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
As the conversation devolves into a blame game, compounded by the fear of the implication of your words, you begin to wonder whether you should have even done this to begin with.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
In the chorus, the narrator pulls out of his conversation with you, the listener, and remembers when he himself was in the same situation: having a friend who was an addict. In his case, though, he failed to act, caught up in the “bitterness” – the feelings of anger and betrayal he had toward his friend.
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
The narrator, with this hindsight, would have done anything necessary, would have heard his friend out, if only he had known he could have been the catalyst toward his recovery. The narrator now comes back to addressing you, the listener, in the next steps to speak to an addict.
Let him know that you know best
‘Cause after all, you do know best
The redundancy of “knowing best” speaks to the inherent egotism behind the advice you’re giving – or at least, the egotism that can be perceived. “Who am I,” you might think, “to tell my friend, or anyone for that matter, how they should live their lives?” But that is the point. You do know best. As uncomfortable as it is, your friend is going down a dark path. You need to snap him out of it.
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
You must try and break through to him using empathy, while also not allowing him to deflect blame. Balancing both is quite the juggling act, but it must be done: being too antagonistic can cause him to become defensive, and therefore the words will not get through to him, while conceding to any of his points may allow him to ignore his own wrongdoing.
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
Make very clear what it is you are seeing. Don’t skirt around; rip the band-aid clean off. It’s the only way he may hear you.
And pray to God he hears you
And I pray to God he hears you
The redundancy here speaks to the desperation of the situation. At a certain point, there is nothing left to do but pray; blindly hope you can get through to him.
The song then repeats the chorus again, before entering into the final stages of the process.
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Your words are beginning to have an effect. Now he has retreated into defense; yelling in denial of the truths you are laying out. You keep your cool, and set down an ultimatum:
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He can either break this habit, or break with his friends. You’ve laid it down very bluntly: you must choose between the drugs or us. It’s your choice.
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Best case scenario; he breaks. He admits he has a problem. Although the journey is far from complete, the most vital and difficult step has been taken: speaking the problem into reality. Now the steps can be taken toward recovery.
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came
Or, the circle will continue, and he’ll deflect your ultimatum by continuing to dance around the issue. You are back at square one; what was the point of all of this?
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
The chorus repeats for the rest of the song as the narrator compounds his regret at having not saved his friend. Maybe, hopefully, things will turn out differently for you. Maybe you can make a difference now that you know how to save a life.
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life…