Everyone you know got engaged last week and it’s about time you get engaged also. As far as marriage is concerned, Jewish girls age in dog years after they hit 18. It is a fact that most of the unmarried girls reading this article look like Tilda Swinton to eligible males.
So let’s break it down, how do you get a man? Easy, be religious. It’s THAT simple. The problem is that the deck is inherently stacked against women. How are you suppose to show men how frum you are when you can’t lain, you can’t do Hagbah, you can’t give shiurim or teach torah to anyone not in Yeshivat Noam Elementary school and you can’t even look most Rabbis in the eyes (the good ones at least). Also, let’s be honest, you’ve slipped since Israel. We’ve all done it, being Jewish is not easy, that’s why it’s called “being Jewish” and not “being Christian” #ChristBurn. So the question really becomes, how do you convince the men of Yeshiva University that you are more frum than you actually are?
I’m here for you. If you follow these 7 simple rules I guarantee that you will get married and be pregnant by 2016.
1. Claim that Quinoa Isn’t Kosher
Saying “quinoa” in a pre-Passover lecture is like yelling “bomb” in an airport. These little spaghetti(?) pellets cause all the halachic trouble of a partnership minyan but without all the preachy references to Anita Diamant’s “The Red Tent.”
Frum people don’t eat quinoa on Passover, frummer people NEVER eat quinoa out of fear they might crave it on Passover (frumerer people pronounce “torah” as “toyreh”).
2. ABBG (Always Be Benching Gomel)
Anytime you use a preposition to describe something you just did should be followed up with you asking “where is the nearest place I can bench gomel?” Constantly thanking god for not dying in a fire is the best way to show a guy that you are super frum. Just got back from Dunkin Donuts? Bench Gomel. Just crossed the street to go to a HASC charity fundraiser? Bench Gomel. Just got back from Benching Gomel? Bench Gomel. The girl who thanks G-d for being alive will have something to live for: A husband.
3. Be Pretty
This is pure math. God wouldn’t make frum girls not pretty so if you want to trick a guy into thinking you are frum, be pretty. Also, any girl who is described as having “a nice neshama” is secretly a kofer sent by J Street to force RIETS students to consider the good parts of a 2-state solution.
Save yourself the trouble of explaining to RIETS students you aren’t pro-Palestine, be pretty.
4. Don’t Even Know what a Partnership Minyan Is
I’m not going to tell you what a partnership minyan is because it angers me and I want this to be a peaceful article. Just know that when you hear what a partnership minyan is, you will be confused and infuriated.
Want a frum man? Here is what you do:
Make sure you don’t find out what a partnership minyan is. On your first date he will inevitably say something like “I hate partnership minyans,” at which point you will say “what is that?” and he will say “It’s_________.” When he finishes explaining what it is, your job is to cry and say something like “why would hakadosh baruch hu allow such evil to infiltrate our community?” Book a wedding hall because when he hears this he will immediately propose.
Also, remember that the torah says minyans are suppose to be led by “Adam and Steve” not “Adam and Eve.” Keep partnership minyanim out of our religion.
5. Never Learn Gemara
Nothing turns off a YU bochur more than a girl that reads gemara. It’s a scientific fact that everyone who attends Drisha dies alone. Do you wanna die alone? No? Didn’t think so. Put down that Talmud Bavli and pick up that copy of “The Magic Touch.”
Also, Side note: You aren’t missing anything, Gemara sucks. It’s complicated, it’s in a different language that isn’t hebrew but like totally isn’t not Hebrew and there are no pictures except that one where Rashi drew a triangle to describe how he made sure that non-Jews wouldn’t touch meat he had delivered to him or some other made-up thing like that. Trust me, you aren’t missing much.
6. Speak Hebrew ALWAYS
Nothin’ makes YU guys more excited than a girl who speaks Hebrew. 100% of the guys in YU did 2 things while on their Israel year: 1) Went to Ein Gedi to look at the vegetation and watch the graceful Hyrax roam the countryside. 2) Fell in love with some Israeli girl who works at a Pizza store in Beit Shemesh and then contemplated making Aliyah for 2 weeks but then went home for Passover break and decided he didn’t want to make Aliyah.
You speaking Hebrew is going to remind him of those two weeks of shomer bliss he felt in Israel, while you speaking English is going to make him feel guilty for loving America. The good part about this is that Yeshiva Day Schools teach Hebrew worse than YU teaches you how to interact with minorities in the workplace. What that means is that you don’t need to be fluent, just enough to get through customs at Ben Gurion.
7. Don’t Have Elbows
If you don’t have elbows then you won’t need to cover your elbows. Simple science.
NOTE: Eitan Levine has a Twitter. It’s @Eitanthegoalie. Follow him.