By Gale Mendelsohn, Staff Writer
Camp HASC is hands down one of my favorite places on planet Earth. I just had the zechut (merit/privilege) of spending my third summer there as a counselor, and be’ezrat (with the help of) Hashem I hope to spend many more. Anyone who knows me will tell you that Parksville, New York is where I am happiest and most myself. However, this does not change the fact that working at HASC also comes with difficulties. Some of them are obvious: changing diapers, handling difficult behaviors, transferring campers in wheelchairs, etc. Some of the difficulties are less obvious, however.
In the months before camp started, I entered the shidduch (dating) scene. Armed with a resume and blind terror, I met with shadchanim (matchmakers), called references and went on exactly one date. As camp approached, I started to worry about how I would navigate my friendships with men in this new, uncertain stage of my life.
Due to my Modern Orthodox background and outgoing personality, I had acquired a few close male friends, and I was accustomed to hanging out in mixed gender groups. But because I was moving and dating in a more Yeshivish/Chassidish direction, I no longer felt like this was appropriate.
Camp HASC is the perfect place to make really good friends, which has both pros and cons. On the bright side, I have met some of my closest friends and favorite people there. On the other, if you’re looking to avoid making friends with guys, Camp HASC is not the easiest place to be.
To begin with, just existing in a coed environment means there will be men around all the time, and you will have to interact with them. You will have to find the balance being polite but not overly friendly, and reserved but not rude. To compound this, I already had existing friendships, so I would often find myself pulled into conversations and group settings with people that I enjoyed being around but felt guilty interacting with.
Really, the hardest part is separating what you want from what you want. In the short term, what I want is to hang out with my friends. I love my friends; they’re wonderful people, and I love having fun with them. What I want in the long term is to find a fitting and appropriate shidduch with whom I can cultivate a loving relationship. It is incredibly difficult, in those moments when you’re goofing off with your friends, to remember that the choices you are making may not benefit Future You. Hindsight is 20/20, but if you are able to change your mindset and perhaps avoid certain interactions, Future You will be grateful.
More than a shift in mindset, what’s important when navigating relationships in HASC (or in any coed environment) is to have clear boundaries. At HASC there exists a culture of people hanging out at night, after the campers are asleep, and this creates a minefield for gray area situations. Therefore, it’s important to know what you do and do not feel comfortable with. For example, one of my rules was that I would not have a one-on-one conversation with a guy. I was also very careful to notice the guy/girl ratio in any group setting I found myself in. Other rules may include how late into the night you’ll allow a conversation to go, or walking around versus sitting down. But every person is different, and everyone’s priorities are different. The rules and boundaries that worked for me might not work for someone else, and that doesn’t mean that I’m more or less frum than anyone, it just means I have different priorities.
I am happy to report that this past summer was my best so far. While at the beginning it was stressful to both establish and stick to my boundaries, I soon felt comfortable in the guidelines I’d set for myself. I felt less stressed, less guilty and I was able to enjoy myself more, because I was able to have fun with my friends while still feeling assured that I was acting in a tzniusdik (modest) way. I also made a lot of new female friends, and I’m not sure if we would be as close if I hadn’t made the effort to spend more time with them, as opposed to my existing male friends.
It’s true, working in Camp HASC is hard. Dating is also hard, and so is being a good friend. But it is possible to do all three. The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and the people around you. It is very easy to delude yourself or come up with excuses to avoid challenging and awkward situations, but it never pays off. Be’ezrat Hashem, we should all feel clarity and confidence in our decisions and be supported in our relationships with others.
This article is dedicated to a speedy recovery for Nachson Yaakov ben Yedida Irit.
Photo Credit: Unsplash