By Tamara Yeshurun, Opinions Editor
I used to see myself, first and foremost, as an oldest sister. It was irrelevant that I had two older brothers; all big sisters recognize the unique station that the first daughter occupies. Until the moment I left for seminary, a huge chunk of my activities and routines involved my younger siblings in some way. They were my sidekicks: tiny little shenanigan-weavers thrust at me in anguish, clinging to me in boredom, minions of my whim.
I was truly an expert at my craft. I mastered the art of justly apportioning the brownie batter that encrusts the mixing bowl, of constructing sturdy and expansive blanket forts, of brushing little girls’ hair without yanking on tangles, of reading aloud for hours and hours on Shabbat afternoons – and of snapping a book angrily shut when the bickering became too much. These things and dozens more are what I learned from my days as a professional older sister.
Perhaps I should have gone competitive. Sadly, I peaked in high school. I’m in college now, and things have changed. My younger sister is the oldest girl in the house, and the kingdom over which she presides is quite different from the one I ever had. But while many of its practical elements have fallen out of my daily schedule, being an oldest sister is as much a part of me as it ever was. Here are a fraction of the lessons the experience has taught me:
1. Logic is not always the answer.
In the mind of a younger sibling, comfort obviously trumps logic, and amusement far eclipses both. While this may frustrate many a big sister trying to goad a fussy kid into the bath, at least children are barefaced about their motivations: “I don’t wanna shower.” In the world of grownups, however, the force of “I wanna” may cloak itself in the language of reason. Do not be fooled; a person cannot be reasoned out of something that they didn’t need reasoning into. Remember that no matter how well you argue your case, people are passionate creatures, and we do not live by logic alone.
2. Humor is an extremely powerful device.
In some ways, humor is like a superpower. It is one of the few ways a big sister can dissipate a disagreement before it can escalate into a real fight. Revealing the silliness of a situation is a way to take a step back and unite people in lighthearted self-awareness. However, used poorly – or simply at the wrong time – it can end up brushing aside the depth of a person’s feelings. Never laugh at them; always laugh with them. And above all, learn to laugh at yourself.
3. You are not going to solve every conflict, and not all conflicts need to be solved.
Honestly, I still find this one difficult, particularly when the antagonism is virulent and downright stupid. Can’t they hear themselves? Why don’t they just stop bothering each other? Don’t forget that part of the job of younger siblings is to get into stupid fights and to learn how to solve them on their own. Instead of inserting yourself into the situation, model the qualities you want them to develop. Be generous; they will learn to be generous. Take genuine interest in the thoughts they express and the projects they create; they will learn kindness. And if they don’t become perfect angels – at least they’ll have some backbone from learning how to fight their own battles.
4. And lastly—thought it may sound like I’m contradicting the third point—don’t waltz around as a pristine role model of maturity.
Forget the age difference between you and your younger siblings. Stage of life, responsibilities, height—it doesn’t matter. Your default should be to treat every twig like a magic wand, every rainy day like an invitation for hide-and-seek. No, you aren’t too old to build a sandcastle. Yes, commiserate about your parents every now and then. Trust me, behaving like a crazy goofball often does far more than any amount of preaching ever would.
These days, I have no tiny shoes to search for, no squabbles to diffuse, no paper airplanes to crease. I live far away in New York City, and my younger siblings are growing up fast. But being in college has taught me that the work of an older sister is not something confined to living in a household with little kids. The enduring lessons of “big-sisterhood” only became apparent to me in my time away from home. Whether you are old or young, male or female, an only-child or the youngest: be the big sister you would want to have. Your own life will be all the better.