Ashley Hefner, Photographer and Staff Writer
I originally decided to attend Yeshiva University to continue my Jewish education and benefit from living in a Jewish community. Yet, for most of my time here, I have felt like an outcast.
I did not grow up religious, but after attending NCSY events in high school, I decided I wanted to learn more about Judaism. So, I went to seminary in Israel and afterwards, I could not see myself continuing my education anywhere other than at YU to foster my religious growth.
Although I have been attending YU for a year now, my drive to become more religious has nearly disappeared due to the judgment I have faced from this so-called “community.”
Before coming to YU, walking into a school cafeteria never intimidated me. Now, walking into the 245 Lexington cafeteria to get my lunch fills me with extreme anxiety. Immediately, as I walk through those doors, I see girls wearing leggings sitting at one table and girls wearing skirts sitting at another. As much as I ache to socialize with people who are different from me, the dynamic in Stern does not make me feel comfortable enough to approach people of different religious levels.
The fact that people sit at tables according to dress code shapes unwritten social rules. Some people may feel like if they deviate from the group they are dressed the same as, they will either be ignored or judged. It does not help that indeed there have been times where I have been disregarded by others when attempting to sit and socialize with people that appear more religious than me. At that moment, I felt completely shattered. When I made the decision to come to Stern, I assumed the school would be a safe space for me to get to know and learn from women that come from more religious backgrounds than myself. In reality, I have found myself terrified to approach other people and thus avoiding the cafeteria during the busier hours.
Walking into elevators in buildings I consider part of my home away from home shouldn’t be something I dread. However, when I smile at people and get dirty looks in return, it does not create a space where I feel accepted. Unfortunately, most of the people I have received these looks from have been dressed in a way I deem more religious than myself. I understand people have bad days and that I should not let the negativity of others bother me all the time. But when occurrences like this happen almost every day, I can not help but think that I am doing something wrong and being judged for it. Experiencing this type of situation is extremely heartbreaking and contradictory in a school that claims to uphold religious values. Even more so, receiving dirty looks from someone who is dressed tznius (modestly) makes me question religion overall because such behavior goes completely against the principles of the Torah.
For a school that preaches Jewish values, hearing stories that deviate from those practices makes me furious. I have heard multiple people recount situations where girls end friendships when their friends who used to dress more tznius start to wear pants instead of skirts. Although neither party verbalized that the friendship was ending due to a shift in attire, it’s sad that I can assume that the change in clothing was the reason. It is understandable that people would want to surround themselves with others who share similar practices to them to preserve their religiosity. That being said, cutting complete contact with someone just because they choose to dress differently is hurtful and does not embody the morals and virtues I thought the women in our school would have. For those of us coming from less religious homes who have not yet taken on dressing modestly, hearing accounts such as these can be extremely uncomforting and may even hinder positive growth.
After learning about the importance of speech in Judaism, I thought that Stern would be filled with girls actively working on speaking positively. Therefore, I was shocked one day when I heard other students speaking badly about me as I walked from the 215 building to 245. Those speaking negatively about me also happened to be dressed in tznius clothing, yet ironically were not acting in a way that aligns with religious values.
After this experience, I questioned the point of being religious at all. If the Torah is supposed to teach us how to be righteous, yet people act in ways that contradict these lessons entirely, then it seemed to me that Torah learning was not shaping virtuous behavior. How am I, or other girls who come from backgrounds like mine, supposed to feel safe in a place where I walk around and hear other people bad-mouthing me?
I thought going to a Jewish school would mean being around people who emulate Jewish values, but after having these experiences I do not feel like that is the case. Although in many of the examples I bring people may not have intended to be directly judgmental, it is still important to think about these actions and consider why they continue to occur in our communities, as they seriously impact others. I would love and hope to assume that people act in these ways due to a lack of awareness of how this affects others. Still, we all need to be aware of how we make our peers feel.
It is so important that we are kind and support one another, especially in a time of increasing antisemitism. How are we supposed to “be a light unto the nations” (Isaiah 42:6) when we can’t even be a light for each other? I do not expect everyone in the school to be best friends. However, if each of us worked a little bit harder to create a loving environment for our peers, I think it would make a huge difference in the school environment overall. Showing others love and kindness will make them want to emulate your characteristics rather than being cold and pushing them away.
Just because someone isn’t dressed modestly does not mean they are not practicing religious values. And, just because someone is outworldly dressing in a tznius manner doesn’t mean they are practicing religious values either. Wherever anyone is on the spiritual spectrum, it is no one else’s business to intervene or judge them on their own journey. No one should ever be made to feel like an outcast just because they are not dressing or acting in a certain way. Maybe they haven’t reached that level yet. Perhaps they’re working on other aspects of their relationship with Hashem. Everyone’s religious journey is and should always be their own.
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