It's Time to Stop Telling People to Date Your "Nice" Friends

By: Shifra Lindenberg  |  March 24, 2021

By Shifra Lindenberg

“Hi! Would you be interested in dating ‘insert person’s name here’?” 

You may have been asked this question from a multitude of people. Your friends, your roommates, random people in your classes, someone from your shabbat meal, or even your matchmaker from YU Connects.

After being asked this question, you’re suddenly curious and intrigued. “Someone thinks that I should date someone?” you think to yourself. Your first instinct is to be excited that this random person may have found the perfect person for you and that you’re actually going to get engaged before you graduate. You start thinking about how long it will be until the proposal and where the wedding will be located. But this fantasy soon comes to an end. You search this person up on Facebook and Instagram and your first thought is, “oh no.” This person isn’t a bad person, nor have they done anything to hurt you. To put it nicely, they just weren’t the person you imagined them to be. They might have one, maybe two pictures on Facebook. If they’re a girl, their only pictures are taken at someone else’s weddings and if they’re a guy, their most recent pictures are from their TABC (Torah Academy of Bergen County) glory days — their Israel glory days if you’re lucky. 

Once again, this person isn’t a bad person, just not the person you’re looking for. If I’m going to be perfectly honest, you are not attracted to this person.

This person isn’t an ugly person, just not your type.

You’re into people who do NCSY and go on adventures with their friends. Or you’re into people who frequent Israel and have friends. You’re not into someone who awkwardly poses and posts cars on their newsfeed. 

And that’s okay.

But it isn’t to your friend, acquaintance, or matchmaker.

“What do you mean you’re not interested? He/She is a nice boy/girl, you should give them a chance” 

If you don’t give this person a chance, you’re a shallow jerk who’s only interested in looks. 

But when you do give this person a chance, and I say this from experience, you find yourself disappointed as predicted.

Don’t get me wrong, there are many couples out there who have worked out because someone gave the other person a chance, but this isn’t what this story is about.

I’m talking about the “nice guys” whose opening liner is “so why did you agree to date me” and then follow it with a dash of “I don’t understand why girls wear all that makeup” and a sprinkle of “looks aren’t important to me.”

That type of “nice” person.

Honestly, I’m personally insulted when people insist that these people are my bashert (soul mate). But I’m really insulted when people see me as just another “nice” girl. 

I’m not a “nice” girl, looks are important to me. 

For those who are empathising with this article, you get it. You see yourselves as an intelligent, ambitious, and talented individual, full of confidence and zeal for life. So of course you’re insulted when someone insists you date someone without the passion you seek —because that person doesn’t see you for the qualities you possess.

They see you as a single guy/girl that they can convince to date their “nice” friend. 

While we shouldn’t judge someone based on their looks, I believe that a picture is worth a thousand words. You can tell someone’s confidence in their posture, how comfortable they are with their smile; if they smile, and if they like to have fun based on how goofy they allow themselves to be. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m sure these “nice” boys and girls will find someone at the end of the day, even if it isn’t you or me.

And I’m okay with that.

After all, I’m not a “nice” girl.