It’s that time again. Midterms are upon us, and stress is abundant. We all know how cramming for midterms makes us feel: we start to lose hair; we forget the warmth of sunshine on our face; we wonder what we have done to deserve such cruelty and injustice.
The worst part is that we are all already living in a near constant state of stress due to the fact that some of us (gasp!) are still unmarried, and, even worse, not engaged. Between your grandmother calling “just to check in” and asking you how you are in a tone that suggests you’re suffering from some terminal disease, and the multiple pictures your friend just posted with her fiancée (the one with the ice sculpture of her name was particularly angering), you feel ready to swear off relationships forever and become a nun.
But have no fear. The administration knows your pain and we have a solution that will solve all your problems in one swoop.
Fear no more ladies, because every ounce of your de-stressing is covered. For one evening only, the entire uptown campus of Y.U. will be shuttled to the Brookdale lounge for an activities fair. We know that some people wanted puppies, but honestly, in terms of finances, this was much easier.
Besides, who needs to cuddle with an adorable, brown-eyed puppy named Oliver who awakens the motherly instinct within you and makes you speak in an unprecedented level of baby talk when you could sit on one of three spacious sofas with a Y.U. philosophy major named Danny who has never met you and gets the nervous sweats around females?
And if that doesn’t sound awesome enough, everyone will be getting two dollars to spend at the Caf Store, and for one evening—and one evening only—you can bring guys into the store! You can give him the tour and hear the magic words: “This is exactly the same as the store uptown.” Then you can roam around the store for twenty-five minutes, pick up multiple items, stare intently at them like they have life-giving power, and put them back precisely where you found them. After deciding that you’re not actually hungry, you can lead the now confused and slightly disgruntled lad back to the lounge for further fun.
If the Counseling Center had given you puppies, all you could have done at this point would be to feed them treats from your hand and scratch their tummies and feel like the Mother Theresa of dogs. (Wait, that actually sounds awesome…)
But wait, there’s more! The next portion of the evening will be the “Getting To Know You” bit, where you will read questions off of a card (which will be provided, not to worry) that will test your new man’s suitability as a life partner. With questions like, “Do you like this nail polish color?” and “Will my mother like you?” you’re sure to cover all the bases.
If you run out of questions before the time allotment is up, it’s a chance to make awkward small talk about what high schools you both went to, and maybe throw in one of the uncomfortable laughs that sounds like a baby seal choking, just for good measure.
The last portion of the evening will be a teamwork challenge (after all, how can you marry him if you don’t even know what he’s like under pressure?). One of you will be given a napkin, and the other, the directions explaining how that can be folded into a swan. The one folding cannot look at the list, and the one explaining cannot look at the napkin.
Fun, right?
The first couple to fold their napkin into a slightly passable swan (let’s be honest, we’d settle for a creative looking lump) will win. What is the prize, you ask? Nothing – you win the knowledge that some tasks are pointless and you will resent those assigning them to you. You’re welcome.
Now it’s time to say goodbye. You’ve had a wonderful evening. Or maybe you spent the entire time wondering when you could go back to your room to continue studying. Too bad the event was mandatory.
We will be providing handkerchiefs if anyone would like to sob dramatically as the guys get on the bus. You can send them off like they’re journeying into the jaws of war-torn Europe, and not just a half-hour uptown. If you feel the need to run alongside the bus waving a handkerchief and crying, “I’ll write to you, darling!” feel free to do so.
Surely, you will have found your soul mate in these few hours, and that you’ll ride off into the sunset to the tune of “My Heart Will Go On” while a baby unicorn weeps tears of joy. And your hair will look like a shampoo ad and your mother will love him.
There, wasn’t that nice? Your stress levels are all gone, and you’ve made a lovely new friend in the process. Plus, you worked on your teamwork skills, and those haven’t been trotted out since preschool, at least. We’re glad you enjoyed the event, and that you feel like it was a responsible decision to forsake studying for this.
Again, we are so sorry about the puppies.