Buying tefillin for your first time is a scary experience. After all, so many items to choose from! The only thing you get to really choose is size. (You’re not getting a pair of those Chabad-size monsters, are you? No? Good.) Not the color—dull, bland, black. Not the shape—all tefillin are identical. We women know that it’s the inside that counts, and, guess what—that’s all the same too!
Wearing tefillin can also be terrifying for the first time. The stares, the quiet whispers, and the feeling of your shidduch points plummeting.
That said, there are ways to make your experience a meaningful one; after all, getting threats and snide looks just doesn’t make a girl feel good about her newest toy. Here’s a couple of tips of how to enjoy your new mitzvah:
- Tefillin Barbie: you know you have wanted one since you first saw her. Swagging her Steinsaltz, and doing hagbah like a pro, she’s always been your idol. So go on, buy one!
- Wear a pink tallis! Seeing as you can’t accessorize your tefillin, you need to find some way to express your individuality, plus avoid any issues of beged ish. A pink tallis is the perfect way to do that. Don’t forget techeles, and be sure that they are a complementary shade of blue!
- For all the married ladies, be sure you can wear your tefillin with a sheitel! Remember, tefillin must rest behind your hairline, so either only wear headband falls, or be sure to get an all human hair sheitel with a human hair net, to prevent chatzizah issues. (When in a pinch, an opaque shower cap is an acceptable alternative, especially one with bright colors and a super-chic pattern! But avoid clashing with your tallis at all costs!)
- Short sleeve t-shirts (I know, soooo pritzusdik). The tefillin shel yad need to go above your elbow, and must be directly on the skin. Be sure to get t-shirts (in patterns and colors that match your super-cute tallis) that are wide sleeved, and wear one every day.
- A long, heartfelt poignant essay on Tablet. We all know that no spiritual agony is complete without a baring-of-the-soul at Tablet Magazine. Before you bust out your new accouterments, pen an essay for the masses to read. Who knows—a few may be inspired by you!
- Custom weights for the tefillin shel rosh. After they tie behind your head, the straps kinda just hang there. You need to be sure that they don’t drape over your bust—after all, tznius is still a middah! Tie the weights to the ends of the straps of the tefillin, so that they can’t drape over you, but will just hang at your sides. You know what the midrash said- b’zechus nashim tzidkanyios!
- Cookbooks. Not to lose weight or learn how to cook for your basheret–you need to go on a special diet! Time to avoid all beans, eggs, and dairy products. Flatulence would be seriously awkward while wearing those tefillin, not to mention an issur deoraisa! Say goodbye to soda, wheat, cucumbers, and cauliflower. It’s time to figure out how to cook like the fierce tefillin-wearing lady you are. (And who knows- your mad skills in the kitchen may just help you find your bashert!)
Good luck to you! Parade those tefillin with pride. I will be watching from the sidelines, in awe of your fierceness, while gossiping behind your back.