A Modest Wedding Proposal

By: Rebecca Hia  |  March 13, 2014

Ever get that awkward feeling when you’re at a frum wedding and you’re not sure when to dance with the bride/groom?

“We did spend our whole lives together, but does she/he want to dance with me right now?”

“Let the ladies in the color coordinated outfits go first, then her second cousin Zissy who flew in from Israel; I’ll dance with her eventually.”

What if society agreed upon scheduled dance times for every wedding attendee? That way everybody would get a turn to dance, with the time allocated to each reflecting how close the two of you are. No more second-guessing which concentric circle to dance in–seating cards will indicate which circle to be a part of and your turn to dance. For the unfortunate members of the singles scene, yellow reflective vests will be handed out to indicate availability, preventing frankly aimless mingling with those already hitched whose significant others (wisely) chose to sit out from the chaos we call the union of two souls.

If being bounced from the main circle to dancing the Horah with the bride’s great aunt isn’t awkward enough, we guests also have to deal with the awkwardness of leaving a wedding.

“Did I dance enough?”

“Do I need to say goodbye?”

“Was that really the desert? Maybe I should wait for something else…?”

“How will I get past the photographers and the crowding relatives?”

The couple should just announce the order in which guests should leave, making that awkward moment a swifter process for all, and allowing the couple to get on with their blissful new life together.

Weddings are stressful enough without the subliminal eye glances back and forth between other guests confused about proper etiquettes. Simple pre-wedding scheduling simplifies the process for everyone. Trying to dart between two guys dressed as clowns to get a water bottle to the groom? Save yourself the hassle and schedule the water breaks as well! Listen: at the vest least the bride and groom, are dancing up a storm, and at most fasted the whole day and barely got a bite in during the yichud room thanks to the (just trying to do his job) photographer- water breaks on the twenty-minute mark would only be appreciated. With a tradition as regimented as ours, it’s about time that we conceive of ways to streamline the wedding process for both the bride and groom and the guests.  Seriously- don’t get me started on the open bar situation…

But at the end of the night (I mean really, who has day weddings?) the important thing to remember is the wedding is all about the guests. After all, the couple and their love only have about a 50% survival rate, but we’ve all showed up to celebrate that meager statistic. Why shouldn’t we have a 100% chance of enjoying ourselves?