In last month’s issue of the publication formerly known as “The Observer,” editors Elana Kook and Makena Owens wrote an article addressing the following question:“Why do men get to comment on what is going on within the university, while women merely observe?” The article validated this question by exploring the pros and cons of a theoretical name change.
However, in my opinion, this inquiry is completely heretical and addressing it was completely out of line. The secular world is becoming increasingly corrupt every day, causing women to challenge the status quo and question tradition. However, as religious Jews in a religious institution, it is our job, nay, obligation, to stick to the Mesorah. And our Mesorah is that women observe, they do not comment — just look at the mechitzas in our synagogues!
Since women have played an observational role in Judaism for thousands of years, the title of the official Stern College paper should reflect that. Quite frankly, calling it “The Observer,” might even be pushing it too far. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, an “observer” is “a person who pays close attention to something and is considered to be an expert on that thing.” Therefore, the name “The Observer” indicates that the Stern women who contribute to the newspaper think they are experts in the fields about which they report! This confidence is, as we all know, against the laws of modesty. Women cannot be experts in anything, and certainly cannot insinuate that they are.
Luckily, some god-fearing people compiled a list of possible new names for our cher-ished publication. The Stern student body has already approved all of the options on the list, as have Yeshiva students and Rabbis, in order to ensure that the new title displays the ultimate respect to Jewish tradition.
1. “The Placemat ” or “Raw Material for Paper Mache”
These names had the highest approval rating amongst all those surveyed. Through indicating that the paper’s primary function is to be used as a placemat or for crafts, the title is comforting even to those who do not believe women should be educated enough to be reading a newspaper.
2. “Light Shuttle Reading”
This name is favored by many Stern and YU students who believe that the inter- campus shuttle is not appropriate due to its co-ed environment. In calling the paper “Light Shuttle Reading,” many students will read the paper on the shuttle, effectively covering their faces enough to prevent contact with the opposite gender.
3. “The Observant [Jew]”
This name was appealing since it sounds similar to the old name, but gets rid of the inappropriate connotation discussed above. Additionally, in naming the paper “The Observant Jew,” the articles can focus on women’s small, but nonetheless important, connection to Judaism and Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
4. “The Lady Commentator,” “The Sub Commentator,” and “The Commentator’s Wife.”
As seen throughout Tanach and the roles of the foremothers, a woman’s primary role is to be supportive of her husband and to be his side-kick of sorts. This is why many feel that having a name that connects the Stern paper to YU’ newspaper is exceedingly appropriate. After all, we are told that we should follow in the ways of our forefathers and mothers.
5. No name at all
Women should not be publishing a newspaper. The foremothers did not print a newspaper, nor did any other woman in Jewish History.
Voting is not available “online” or over text message because the internet and electronics are the modern-day form of the Satan. Votes can be placed in the ballot boxes in the Stern and YU cafeterias, or can be called in to security starting at 11:45 AM.