“So, you go to Stern to get your M.R.S degree?”
My usual response to this common yet offensive question entails an eye roll, a dismissive laugh, or an attempt to begin to explain that there is so much more to being a student at Stern than the stereotypical pressure that marriage-talk is the only topic overheard in the caf.
I have held steadfast to my belief that the Stern experience goes well beyond the chatter of who’s dating whom, the excessive decorating of doors, and the shrieks I hear in my dorm hallway of another girl who recently got engaged. Instead, my experience at Stern has been defined by my rigorous academic course load, the abundance of events both uptown and downtown, and the warm social environment in which I surround myself.
And as for the marriage talk? It happens. But from my point of view, that was more of a manifestation of being in an Orthodox Jewish environment, and less of a reflection of the institution itself.
But, lately, I have started to second guess myself.
After receiving an sstud regarding the third YUConnects event this semester, the second on the Beren Campus, I was bothered. And yet, I found myself unable to articulate why the latest addition to the series of YUConnect events actually frustrated me. After all, events are supply-and-demand. The students are concerned about dating, and therefore, there are events that cater to this request.
I decided to see what all the talk was about for myself by attending the event “Game Plan for Successful Dating” that took place on December 9th at which undergraduate women of all ages gathered in the Koch Auditorium.
As the event convened, the roots of my initial frustrations began to grow clearer. I found myself raising a few important questions: is the point of YUConnects dating solely for marriage? And if so, why conduct several events in an already pressure-filled environment? Having such events can lead to two possible results: a surfacing of the existing undercurrent pressures on campus, and a self-propagation of our own notable (and sometimes detrimental) stereotype.
Furthermore, why are events with the end-goal of marriage being offered to a crowd that consists of eighteen and nineteen year-old women? (Just to be clear, there have been no ystuds sent this semester promoting a YUConnects event on the Wilf Campus to discuss dating.)
While many of the messages regarding the importance of creating healthy relationships made a very worthwhile event, I could not move past the fact that the context of the panel-led discussion was marriage.
I think an event raising awareness about “red flags” in unhealthy relationships is extremely critical. But, such a conversation needs to be held outside the context of dating purely for the purpose of marriage. A conversation about healthy dating is relevant to everyone, even if their religious background or upbringing does not orient them toward a classically defined style of Orthodox dating.
Additionally, for many students, having such events on campus actualizes the marriage-pressure that they may not be ready to engage in (no pun intended).
One anonymous student who felt anxiety from the dating buzz said to me after the event, “I saw the event advertised in my sstuds, and it made me think twice about my decision to not start dating immediately upon starting college. Maybe I really need to start dating now, I thought. I know I just got back from Israel, but I guess in Stern, this is the time to start.”
The sentiments of anxiety expressed by this underclassman is a feeling that is likely more palpable for upperclassmen who often feel the pressure from their peers and/or their community. There is little need for the academic institution that they attend to continue to provoke the cumbersome pressure already felt from external sources.
Which brings me to my second noteworthy quote from the night. As I walked to Koch Auditorium I was on the phone with a friend who attends a different college. When I told her that I was about to attend an event sponsored by YUConnects and hosted on campus, without hesitation she muttered, “classic Stern.”
Great, I thought, another event that makes everyone think that Stern is a dating metropolis.
Thus my initial frustration at the Dating Game Plan sstud became clear. Having events that propagate this stereotype takes away from the serious reputation which Stern College strives to create. We need to portray ourselves in the way which we want to be viewed: as an institution with high academic standards and a warm social environment. Stereotypes not included.
The contributions of YUConnects are overwhelmingly positive. And they should continue to make events and create lasting connections. However, the undergraduate community and the self-funded organization should have no direct affiliation.
For the sake of the already anxious nineteen year-old: Let’s stop creating hype and exacerbating the already existent pressure felt by the apprehensive young women of Stern College.