NEWS ALERT: English Department Bans Electricity in the Classroom

By: Observer Staff  |  February 19, 2013

After a recent vote, the English Department has unanimously decided to ban electricity in the classroom.

In a recent official statement they stated, “We have seen a rise in texting, surfing, shopping, Facebook checking, writing papers for other classes, and other forms of multitasking in English Department classes in the last few years. This activity has occurred in most classes, no matter the size, seating arrangement, or teacher. Therefore, we have chosen to solve the problem by eliminating the source of the concern—electricity.”

The ban has been met with frustration and outrage. Many students voice the concern that moving back to a time before electricity is “regressing.” “Instead of disallowing electricity completely, why can’t the English Department work with students to use electricity in a responsible manner? Denying progress is helpful to no one,” stated one exasperated English major, preferring to remain anonymous.

Despite complaints, the English Department has remained firm with their decision. “Really, electricity is good for very little,” said one English faculty member. “It is mainly a distraction to students, not to mention its nefarious uses when it comes to aiding and encouraging Facebook use in the classroom.” He concluded, “Students might not realize it, but they are much better off without the distraction of electricity. It’s for their own good.”

Another question that has arisen regarding the current policy is why it applies exclusively to the English Department. Doesn’t the distraction posed by electricity equally affect all departments? In response to this question, both the English Department and Dean have declined comment.

While teachers report no more Facebook surfing, students have resorted to different methods of distraction—mainly, sleep. It’s been reported that students have been falling asleep en masse since the implementation of the new policy.

“Taking away the lights won’t make the teachers more interesting. If students don’t want to participate, they’ll find other ways to check out of the classroom,” said another anonymous English major.

Due to the new problem of students falling asleep in large numbers because of the lack of electricity, the English department is contemplating eliminating desks from the classroom. If students can’t sit down, they can’t fall asleep.

And pens. No more pens, so students can’t doodle.

The English department is also considering eliminating students from the classroom all together. “I mean, really, they’re just a distraction. I personally believe a classroom would run much more smoothly without them,” said one English professor, who prefers to remain anonymous.

In a curious turn of events, one very vocal English major on the uptown Wilf Campus came out strongly in support of the ban. “Frankly, I think it a wise decision. English classes are for analytical thought. I only hope the ban is extended to the men’s campus as well!” Several YC students swiftly staged a coup, and the English major in question has not been heard from since.

More updates as the situation develops.