Breaking news: A report has recently come out slandering Stern Academic Advisement for being “too friendly, welcoming” and acting with “an overabundance of generosity and understanding.”
Potential influences are hypothesized to be the use of illegal substances, or the prospect of early retirement. No less than ten students this year have received smiles from academic advisement, shocking some students to the point of light-headedness. An “AA” insider exposes the situation, explaining, “This is a radically new change in the notion of advisor-student relationship theory; some postmodern scholars now posit that it might actually be beneficial to treat students with dignity, and soften the iron fist of advising practices.” Students had long complained about the ironically unethical policies practiced in the mysterious advisement offices. There were rumors this past October from a number of graduates who expressed concern over having not yet received their diploma. One woman was in tears. “I graduated Stern College in 1967, hoping to pursue a doctorate in Kantian philosophy. However, the registrars never sent me my well-deserved diploma, and so I have been relegated to simply becoming the neighborhood sheitel macher. I never wanted this to happen.” With this change, however, graduation rates are up, diplomas are being printed by the bucket-load, and Stern matriculation is hopping.
The change in academic advisement’s treatment of the Stern student population comes at a most apropos time, as only a month ago today, Stern had been as risk of hosting an anarchic rebellion, led by Stern leaders on behalf of their persecuted status. “I never thought I would be persecuted among my own kind!” one angry student yelled while she painted signs “Storm the Bastille 2014!!” Even a faculty member who asked to remain anonymous had expressed support for student rebellion. “I know Egypt’s Arab Spring was messy and it’s not going well in Syria either, but I unfortunately think that, having studied political science and having taught at Stern college for a number of years, the student rebellion against academic advisement is going to be the most violent bloodbath in a century.” Fortunately, this revolt a la the French Revolution will no longer take place as planned. In fact, a strange notion of love and equality takes its place at this time. Truly “v’nafoch hu.”