When I told my boss I was getting married on Thanksgiving weekend, he smiled, shook my hand, and quoted some useless aphorism about love. When I clarified I meant Thanksgiving weekend of this year, he blanched.
Aren’t you still in college? Yes. And how old are you? 21. So you’ve known him for a long time? Relatively… Forever is a long time to sign up for, you know? Yes. I can imagine.
The decision to marry young, let alone while still a student, attracts a healthy degree of skepticism in the secular community. There is a sentiment, ranging from subtle to overt, that marrying young compromises your ability to develop professionally and individually. How can you continue to pursue your dreams when there is someone else involved? How can you travel, explore, experiment with this new degree of responsibility trailing at your coattails? These were the questions implicit in the raised eyebrows I received when informing both colleagues and professors that I was getting married in two months. The information even provoked undisguised disapproval from some, one professional bluntly inquiring: “Is the marriage arranged, or for love?”
The defensiveness I felt towards those confoundedly appraising my decision from without contrasted starkly with the approval, excitement, and encouragement to marry young I received from within my community. My decision was lauded and praised by my rabbis and mentors. Within the Stern community, energetic “mazal tovs!” followed me down the hallways, up the elevators, and into the crowded cafeterias. Rather than feeling isolated because of my decision, I felt a strong sense of camaraderie with the several other students who were simultaneously planning their weddings for the upcoming months. The choice, rather than seeming strange or ill-advised, was seen as a mark of good fortune.
The debate over whether or not to marry young was recently fueled by an article published on a young, single woman’s personal blog and circulated via social media. The article, titled “23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23,” criticized the myopic focus on engagement and marriage the author perceived amongst her peers. The author argued that marriage at a young age is a “cop-out” and severely retards personal development. While the piece itself read rather like an adolescent rant, insecurity blaring between every line, the response it garnered indicated that the debate is still raw, relevant and easily ignitable. The post received up of 3000 comments, 4000 Tweets, and 10,000 Facebook ‘likes.’ The article also instigated an outpouring of angry and indignant responses.
Data collected on this topic can be used to support both sides of the conversation. Sociologist Brad Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project and co-author of the “Knot Yet” report, was quoted in a recent Washington Post article saying that people who marry younger tend to be “poorer and less educated,” as well as “more religious.” For women, the data heavily indicates that waiting to get married increases earnings. However, in terms of reported happiness, Wilcox found that self-reported happiness with one’s marriage is highest for those who marry in their mid-20s, compared to those who wait until their late 20s or early 30s. Additionally, among 20 to 28-year-olds, married people were more likely to say they were “highly satisfied” with their lives than those who remained single. The article, however, was careful to qualify that the findings were “decidedly mixed” and indicated only correlations, never causations.
Pros and cons in tow, the two bands on my left ring-finger show what decision I’ve made. However, I believe my experience can afford the conversation a degree of mediation. The disparity between the responses I received from within my community and from without was jarring: shock, uneasiness, skepticism, and disapproval from one side—encouragement, congratulations and confidence from the other. What I took away from the severe rift was an appreciation for the relativity of normalcy. Put simply: don’t judge the decisions of others until you stand where they stand.
When it comes to dating and marriage, it’s easy to look at the expectations and norms of different communities and mutter disapprovingly. They only dated for how long? Or, conversely: Why aren’t they married yet? As demonstrated by the “23 Things” blog post and the reaction it spurred, this tendency is far from exclusive to our community. There is a universal temptation to voice how others should be conducting their personal life decisions. However, from wherever you stand in this convoluted matrix, know there will be someone who thinks your life decisions are just as strange and senseless as you think theirs.
So, let’s all loosen the reins on our stringent definitions of normal. A married twenty-one year old isn’t one to preach, but if I were, all I’d say is this: there ain’t no such thing.