I am here to shed light on the greatest horror the YC male has ever known. Like every other beautiful and terrible thing in a man’s life, women are involved. Yes, women, I am talking to you. I’m talking about the Friendzone you inflict upon the unsuspecting YC male population, sometimes unwittingly, but always without mercy.
Women have a most terrible method of pain infliction. First, get the man to open up to them. With every conversation, she slowly feeds on the man’s attachment. The relationship is declared one of “friendship,” not love, and the female runs away with the man’s heart while he cries for his stolen heart. Can he grow to love another?
We halakhah-keeping men are distinctly disadvantaged from our non-Jewish counterparts. For non-Jewish men, without the difficult constraints, women can have the relationship upper ground, but men can fight back by leaving in the middle of the night.
Ah halakhah! I love thee and yet you took away our only bargaining chip. We have no recourse for a real relationship unless we get married; but a woman can get what she wants from a relationship without dating. Women, in their woeful ignorance, will talk intimately with the men, creating another Friendzone. They take what they want and assume that men and women can really be just friends, convincing themselves that it is highly moral to have such beautiful non-physical relationships. Why? Because men are immature, rotten, and of course perverted.
We are not. We are alive. We desire these relationships, not because they are dirty, but because they are the greatest thing ever given to mankind (pretty much). Desiring is not a sin, but we can no longer waste our lust upon those who simply take our inner beings for granted.
Only one thing left to do. Men of YU: We must guard our hearts! Let us hold our deep feelings hostage to women until they agree to a relationship of the dating status. Heed my warning, women, and don’t try to pry unless you’re truly ready to commit. The Friendzone, like the friends-with-benefits, shall thus be forever eliminated.