Some of you are looking at my name and are probably thinking “she doesn’t even go here!” You are right, I don’t go here, here being Stern. I did go here, I graduated from here, and now, as I forge my own meandering path in life, there is something that I wanted to share with you—something that a person can only truly realize once they have stepped outside of their Stern (or college) bubble. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved just about every minute of my bubble. However, at some point, I found myself counting down the days when that bubble would eventually pop and I could finally move on to the next stage of my life. And that is exactly what happened. I finished my last final exam on a Tuesday morning and by the following Sunday afternoon I was on an El Al flight making aliyah, fulfilling a very long and important dream of mine. Talk about radical!
Why was I so willing and ready to spread my wings and fly from the last four and a half years of my life? Why was I desperately wanting to remove myself from a totally encompassing zone of all that was comforting? Simply, because I had changed. I am not talking about an “I’m so sick of the Caf food and cannot eat another salad and I miss normal food” kind of change. I’m also not referring to the “Uch, Stern is so not my style anymore and I will never come within 10 miles of this place again” kind either. I am talking about a change that slowly, shyly, ever so quietly creeps up on you. One that you may or may not realize you are fighting a losing battle with. Sometimes this change likes to give you a nice big smack in the face to remind you it is there. Other times, it lies dormant like a patient lion waiting to sneak up on its prey.
My life, up until a few years ago, was essentially what I like to refer to as a box life. Picture yourself going through life with an imaginary box constantly around you, like a hula-hoop if you will, acting as a protective border between you and the rest of the world. Life inside the box is great, safe, comforting. You did what was expected of you, maybe sometimes sneaking up to the line of your box to feel rebellious and test that your reality is, in fact, intact. Why would you ever want to willingly step outside your box life? During my college years, I was introduced to all different kinds of people. From the innocently naïve girl to that person we all know who has an opinion about everything in life and everyone in between, I found myself having to really, for the first time in my life, think about who I was. We can laugh and joke about your typical modern orthodox female stereotype, especially your Stern stereotype. In truth, this stereotype cannot be farther from the truth in my own humble opinion. I interacted with women my age on a daily basis who would fundamentally challenge my perception of religion, politics, friendship – whatever makes the world go round! There were moments where I would catch myself responding to a question or defending a stance and then rethinking if that was really what I believed. Did I know and believe something because others had told me to, because that was how I was trained to think? Or did what I believe actually change based on experience, new knowledge and a willingness to put myself out there? Whether I liked it or not, I was forced to reassess numerous times who I was and the way I looked at the world around me. My box life was slowly being ripped apart, my boundaries changing and expanding, the confines of my existence trembling, and the me that I thought I was transforming with it.
I met some people during my time in seminary and Stern who, even after we graduated and moved to various corners of the earth, I count as my close friends. When I look at them now, where their lives are, who they are as a person, they somewhat resemble the original them that I met those years ago but now, in the present, are an even more awesome version of themselves. I recognize that each of us willingly allowed ourselves to open up to new people, new ideas and that only reinforced either what we thought already or gave us the safe pathway to reassess who we were. For example, one of my very close friends who we shall refer to as Chaya knocked on my door one night to talk about a decision she had come to. Several years before she had decided, for her own spiritual growth, to stop wearing jeans. This included the casual hipster “wear a pair of jeans under a cute dress” look too. Now she wanted to start wearing them again, but under dresses and skirts, because she viewed it as a method of her self-expression. I sat there for two hours trying to argue why she should not go back on her decision. In my mind, this was a big low for her and all be darned if I could not save her soul from eternal damnation! Well, looking back almost 11 months later, I was a total idiot. I knew Chaya. I knew the struggles she had gone through to become who she is to get to where she is. The foundation on which she now rested was unshakable, unbreakable! Wearing jeans under her clothing was not her trying to flip in to what the rest of the world was doing. It was just simply Chaya just trying to be herself. Chaya had changed from a semi insecure, #stilltryingtofigureoutthisreligionthing to a strong, independent, knowledgeable woman who understood that equating religiosity with expected physical appearances was not necessarily the real and only deal. Her box no longer needed to be this tight noose around her neck, a security blanket, dragging her back to a centered and safe position in life. Chaya was finally in her own and needed no box life to delineate who and what she was.
So let’s get down to it. What is my point? Right now, at this stage in your life, it is okay to still be living the box life. Having been there and done that I beg you to not shut out the world around you. There is no reason to radically alter your life or your individualism. Rather, I beg you to not shy away from a change that will ultimately make your life better. This change varies from person to person since we are all unique individuals. My change is not your change. Do not be afraid of it, do not try to fight it. Rather, give the challenge of change a big hug when you come upon it and realize that you are a better person for it. At some point towards the end of college, I literally nuclear bombed a part of my box life. Why? Because what is a life where you are always the same person doing the same thing? What is a life where you never take chances and put yourself out on a limb, waving hello and ushering in your own personal revolution? When you find yourself questioning things, do not shut away those inquiring thoughts into the deepest recesses of your brain because they are uncomfortable to face. Nor should you jump right in. Dip your toe into the water to test it out and if the temperature feels right, feels good, explore a little further until you can immerse yourself in the beauty that is the new you.
When I started this unwanted, unknown, unexpected journey I was this undefined something going through the ropes. I was an everybody. Today, I am somebody.