YU Decides to Sell SCW after Einstein Merger Fails to Produce Sufficient Profit
In the aftermath of the Einstein-Montefiore merger, many faculty members and students thought that the deep financial predicament facing YU was on the mend. However, after YU was forced to compromise their original asking price for the solidification of the deal between the two institutions, the merger did not yield the financial profit that they had originally predicted.
Thus, as the saying goes, “some things gotta give.”
After much contemplation by President Joel and the Roshei Yeshiva, they decided that the price for women’s learning was just a tad too high if at the expense of continuing the flourishing learning at REITS and Yeshiva College. As a result, they decided to put SCW on the market.
As of yesterday, SCW was bought by Brigham Young University. Stern students were pleased too, as almost every student was granted their much desired MRS degree immediately after the transaction.
After a Decade of Rivalry: RIETS and Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Join Forces
For years, promising future rabbinical students were faced with a conflict: Should they attend REITS or YCT? Knowing that the two institutions were not in halachik agreement, the choice often entailed making a strong partisan allegiance to one of the institutions.
To the conflicted yeshiva bochrim: Say goodbye to your troubles.
The Roshei Yeshiva at REITS and YCT have decided to make amends after an altercation that transpired nearly ten years ago regarding whether or not it is indeed permissible for women to learn chumash with Rashi. As a compromise, they decided it would be permissible for women to stand in a pulpit on Shabbat.
Now, the two institutions will share a joint campus in the Village.
After one suggestion, SCW brings back the Computer Science major
Though not many students protested, the Stern College administration decided that the Computer Science major should return to campus.
“When the major was first revoked, I was surprised that no students seemed to care,” stated Dean Bacon. “The Computer Science major is the most practical choice for a frum woman entering the workforce. Now that we found extra money after cutting the Speech requirement, we will bring back this integral major as soon as possible.”
After IZOD Center Closes, Commencement to Take Place at the Bronx Zoo
Yeshiva University undergraduates were left questioning where their commencement ceremony would take place after news was revealed that the IZOD center was shutting their doors. There were various speculations for a future location: Madison Square Garden, The Prudential Center, and the steps of the Met.
However, in a press release from the esteemed team at YU News, it was disclosed that the commencement would take place in an unconventional location. After stating that the other normative locations were booked for May 17th, immense consideration was given towards out-of-town students whose parents had already bought their plane tickets. Thus, YU tried desperately not to switch commencement dates despite the lack of venue.
The only open venue available for that Sunday was the Bronx Zoo. Therefore, the ceremony will take place between the elephants and reptile exhibits.
Refreshments will be served at the food court after the conclusion of the ceremony.
Monkey hats will be given out as souvenirs.
After all… #NoWhereButHere
Reserve Cut and Les Marais Added to the Caf Card
Students rejoiced after news was revealed that Bravo and Pitopia were to be added to the caf card. However, when that plan failed to come to fruition, students were left scrambling to use all of their restaurant money.
In order to kill two birds with one stone, the newest additions to be added to the caf card will be Les Marais and Reserve Cut. Now, you can satiate your date while also quickly finishing your restaurant money.
SCW Shuts Down Brookdale After Cat Infestation
In response to the mouse infestation that left Brookdale residents curled up at the very center of their beds reciting tehilim, Housing and Residence Life took a leaf out of Middle Eastern history books. In imitation of the British, who introduced cats to Palestine in the 1930’s to correct a rat problem, Housing imported cats from upstate and let them loose upon Stern’s largest dormitory building, with at least 4 cats roaming per floor.
Within a week, the cats had successfully ratted out every last rodent. The treatment appeared to be a smashing success…until Housing realized that there had been a grave miscalculation.
The cats had become a new infestation.
With the procreative speed of Tribbles, the cats had overtaken Brookdale, causing all students with cat allergies who had not already moved to 35th, to run sneezing and sniffling to the clinic across the street. All attempts to rid the building of the cats were utterly futile, as anyone who has ever visited Israel could predict. After descending further into debt from cat-removal attempts, SCW was forced to shut down Brookdale and relocate it’s inhabitants to Schottenstein.
Some residents, however, refused to leave. Kitty Fallert, a graduating senior and long-time resident of Brookdale, has banded together with like-minded cat lovers to form what has been dubbed “The Feline Alliance”.
“We will not abandon these brave and noble creatures who have done us all a great service,” said Fallert, quoting the group’s manifesto. “It is our moral prerogative to care for them.”
With no funding, and the women’s college on the brink of closure, the University donated the building to the local animal shelter.